When I think of this date now, it is not what I imagined just nine months ago. I thought of little pink balloons all over our hospital room as we patiently waited our little one’s arrival; I thought of seeing her for the first time; and, I thought about the tears I would cry as I squeezed her little hand. However, I am crying different tears now, they are not happy, but are filled with grief and sadness.
My miscarriage was late last summer; and many people have forgotten how I lost a baby at twenty weeks, but, I have not. I will never forget the doctor’s monotone voice as he tried to explain the fluid around her organs, how she was drowning inside of me. In that moment, I could not cry, I could not breathe, I could not think…I shut down.
The days leading up to the delivery and surgery were hard. Every morning when I woke, I looked at myself in the mirror, and saw myself pregnant; however, since her heart stopped beating, I really was not. In those moments, I felt in every way abandoned by God; how could his plan be better than mine? How does His promises still exist in my life? Because at age twenty-one, all one wants is a cute baby to put on Instagram.
Now, months after our miscarriage, Wilson and I are doing well. Not only have we grown in our relationship with God through this experience, but with each other. However, we are not ready to get pregnant again…the last year was so exhausting that we just want a break from everything baby and just to be a fun, young couple.
We love to travel together; and, are planning trips to Greece, St. Simons, and the Caribbean this coming year. We also love our jobs, and, want to work as much as we can. I mean, kids are expensive! Looking at our medical bills from this year, might give one a heart attack!
When we see those two pink lines again, I want to know we are ready….that we have checked off our bucket list, and, have a good mindset for whatever comes, even if it is a hard pregnancy. I have learned so much through this experience; and, it has been a blessing to share it with you!